=> fffffffffff

You had a long fucking day. Ignoring the family stuff, and focusing entirely on your quest for quadrants, it really was a long day. The longest of days in face. 

You had a dream last night that you were Flushed for The Object and that he drove you to school in a Cherry Red convertible and it was very Surreal. 

The Conversation seen in => Faint continued, and you decide to Reproduce the rest of the conversation starting with where you left off in the above mentioned post ("[RS]: Seriously, man. You have no idea how happy this is making me. Like seriously. TEARS OF ANGRY JOY, MAN. Seriously. ") 

You decide to not warn your readers about the Incoming Wall Of Text because fuck them and because you are pretty sure no one reads this anyway but what the fuck ever.

[TO] The biggest problem I can see with this blog is that some of those of us who care what you have to say don't know where it is.

[TO] Also, in my experience, people tend to be alive after one admits one's feelings for them. Js.

[RS] But that just means I don't have to censor myself for fear of saying something mildly offensive.

[RS] Also, I've only ever had feelings for one other person in my entire life and they were actually pretty platonic, all things considered, so I wouldn't know. All I have to go off of is this pile of shitty vampire romance novels- lot of good those do.

[TO] A good first step is letting whoever it is know that you like them. This is best done subtlely. You can hang around whoever it is and try to talk to them, you

[TO] Could try to be exceptionally nice to them, you could drop a bunch of compliments for them in normal conversation... Or, most fun of all, if you go to school

[TO] With them you could leave notes in their locker. That might seem creepy, though

[RS] I unno, man. It all seems pretty complicated, especially when you work in the different levels of black and red- you could end up with a crappy maroon color, y'know? No one wants that.

[RS] If I'm being perfectly honest I'm very much an avoider. That's probably why the black feelings are there in the first place- avoid and brood, avoid and brood, avoid and brood, that's what I do.

[TO] Black for the burnt offerings and red for the sacrificed virgin's blood? I understand this not.

[TO] It's complicated, but it's worth it, expesially if you find the

[TO] Find a good person to go out with. Trust me on this.

[RS] I unno. There's too many variables. I'm not exactly the type to be brimming with self-confidence and all that jazz, plus there's the fear of rejection, which if my red feelings were ever rejected, they'd be turning a justified black quicker than you can say double reacharound.

[RS] And then, what if you have a black crush and a red crush at the same time, and you can't bother explaining all the colors, and everything gets taken all the wrong way, y'know?

[TO] I still think you should burn some offerings.

[TO] As someone who's dealt with my fair share of rejection, you're never as hurt by it as you expect to be. The first time is the worst, but then you get used to it. I think that there's a container somewhere to hold all your rejection. At first it's small but then you get rejected and the container is forced open faster than it can handle, thus the hurt. After you get over it the container shrinks down a little, but not all the way. The next time you get rejected it hurts less because the container stretches lass, so on and so forth. That may or may not be helpful.

[TO] I really think you should tell him. Sure, there's the chance he'll reject you, but even if he does at least you won't constantly be worrying about it. You're a great person, Rei, and you're plenty of fun to be around. If you can show this to whoever it is before you tell him, build up some goodwill and all that, then he's considerably less likely to reject you. You can't wait too long, though, or you'll miss your chance and feel all depressed thinking of what might've been. You can hide in yourself your whole life, never knowing how amazing people can be, or you could go out and try to find out for yourself. Sure, you'll mess up sometimes and be rejected sometimes, but eventually you'll be so jaded that you can shrug that stuff off.

[RS] But see, what if it just makes a frienship awkward? And also, how do you explain the whole ♠ thing? Like "I HATE YOU, BUT IT IS JUST MISPLACED RAGE THAT YOU ARE UNDESERVING OF AND I AM SORRY AND STUFF? LET'S GO OUT?"

[RS] How can that work? I cannot see that working.

[TO] Seems to me that the first step is to come to terms with your rage and forgive him for whatever it is he didn't do. If you can't figure out how to do that, I actually think that it would be fine were you to say that to him, minus the "let's go out part" (you don't want to shock him too badly). If he's as cool a guy as i think he is, he'll find it in his heart to forgive you, too. You'll definitely need to deal with your rage, though, one way or another. Reaching out to people is oddly healing.

[RS] I mean, I already sorta did that, not to him or anything, but like inside. Sometimes it just feels so good to be angry, and I know that's not exactly healthy, but often times it gets unfairly directed at people I like in a shitty sorta self-destructive hate-love, usually without them knowing, because I really don't like having to explain self-destructive hate love and I don't wanna like burn bridges or anything.

[RS] And my panic attacks are like getting worse, so I don't wanna say or do something stupid, and then have a panic attack right after to make him feel bad or anything, y'know?

[TO] Ah, the power of harboring within you that destructive power... How glorious it can be! Just think, if need be you can summon forth the rage, spiking your adrenaline, strengthening your muscles until you could throw an SUV as if it were a leaf. Holding the anger, holding the destruction it represents, can be quite fun, but the strength it gives you is a false one. The power that comes from all-out rage is like a candle compared to the ocean of healing that can come from one's friends. You just have to learn to open up and to trust that someone else can help you vanquish your misbegotten feelings in favor of a peace of mind greater than any star.

[TO] You'll say stupid things. You'll do stupid things. That's just the way it is. What you have to realize, though, is that when things work out with you and whoever that you'll be able to look back and laugh at these stupid things. Chances are, it'll bring you two closer together. you can't let a fear of messing up hold you back, though, because you will mess up. The goodwill that can come from a healthy relationship outweighs the embarrassment you may have from messing up a hundred times over, though.

[TO] Sadly, I can give you no help with your panic attacks, except to look for what's causing them and deal with that before trying to combat your panic head-on.

[RS] Know from experience?

[TO] About the anger and stupid things? yeah.

[RS] good will from a healthy relationship.

[TO] Yes. I can say from experience that it is far better to be good friends with just one person than to sit around brooding. Bring in two people and you can almost take whatever life throws your way. Three good friends? You're invincible.

[RS] You ever had unrequited red feelings? jw

[TO] Assuming that "red feelings" means having a crush on someone (not wanting to sacrifice them), then yes. I'd say that for about 50% of my crushes I was too shy to come out and say it, or when I did say it my feelings never came to anything. Mostly, though, the girl politely tells me that she's not interested. One girl, TWILIGHT SPORKLE, I had a crush on freshman year. I decided to tell her so by making a purple heart (purple was her favorite color) in MS Excel by highlighting each grid space a different color... I put a lot of work into that thing, then e-mailed it to her. It was a few days before I heard from her again... she asked me what it meant. I think that she was hoping that it didn't mean that I wanted to go out with her, yet it did. Another few days passed, then i finally managed to contact her over FB chat... she told me that I was a nice guy and all, but she wanted to stay friends. I said that I understood. We haven't spoken since. I could give you all their stories, but they're all the same. They'd only serve to bore you.

[RS] Red feelings have very little to do with sacrifice. That'd be leaning more towards black. Anything ever work out?

[TO] A little. I was with BELLA for a year and a half. I had some of the best times with her, but she never cared enough to see me more than once a month, and she always got mad at me for the stupidest things. SUZANA would've worked out but she panicked and bailed after the place we were going for our first date had sold out tickets and she didn't have one. Then along came MARYAM, but we never talked so that relationship didn't last for more than a month. She was just annoying, though. Every little thing she did was directed toward making us seem the same. She'd say something, make some joke, then wait for my response before forming her own. She'd express an opinion, and I'd say something contrary to her, and she'd backpedal to make it seem like she agreed with me. The on;y things she said of her own was how amazing I was, which got really old really fast. Things kinda worked out for a few of those, I guess.

It goes without saying that Names have been changed, but the conversation remains largely unedited. After some discussion with your good friend Ned (who would be your Palemate if you hung out more) you come to find that The Object has flushed feelings for a  Friend of Ned's and that she has been an Auspistice between him and his flushed affection, who does not Return his feelings. 

You thing he would make a good Kismesis but you really are not sure. You do not know how he would handle a relationship, or even if he would be willing to have one with you. You decide that you need some sleep. And to get this whole thing off your mind with some Slash Fiction. God you love Slash Fiction more than you should. It dawns on you that The Object does not even have dark circles under his eyes...

=> Wake Up

You just Woke Up. Okay, that is a lie, you Woke Up half an hour ago. It is going on Six In The Morning and you cannot sleep. You cannot sleep because on Thanksgiving you were stung in the toe by a Motherfucking Bee. That was the first time in your life you have ever been stung by a Motherfucking Bee and it hurt like a Bitch. The stinger was still in your foot, because unlike Normal Dumbasses who got stung by Motherfucking Bees for being douchebags, you got stung by a Motherfucking Bee by not watching where you were going on the way to check the Mail, because unlike some morons, you did not remember that no one in their right mind Delivers Mail on Thanksgiving. It is their day off from work, dumbass.


The pain was The Worst thing you have ever felt. You are not used to Physical Pain because you have never even Broken Anything or some shit like that. You are really sensitive to Mosquito Bites because the ones where you live are fucking Hell Spawn and you have broken into tears after getting Swarmed no less than Twice, and called Queen Of Drama over it by your Mother both times. You Woke Up because the Motherfucking Bee Sting started to hurt and throb like you had just been attacked by a Mosquito Swarm. You went to get some Ice and have it on your foot now, and it is Helping, but fuck you are already awake. You decided to read some Slash Fiction to help you calm down, because fuck it, if you are being all Open And Shit in this blog, you may as well admit you fucking love Slash Fiction. Seriously. That shit rocks. 


You feel much better now, and can actually lay down without crying Silent Tears of pain, so you decide to Publish this blog post, finish reading that one Slash Fic and go back to Sleep.

=> Type Blog Post

You find Dark Circles Under The Eyes really attractive. Like, really attractive. You do not really know what it is, but there is just something about that drained, tired, and ready to Stab Someone look that is just so Dreamy. 


You would never admit it to your friends, or anyone really, but the only time you wear Makeup is when you are using Black Makeup Sticks to darken the area under your Eyes. When paired with your Semi-Permanent Scowl it has the effect of making you look very Cranky and more Tired than you already are, but you do not care because that is the Exact Effect you are trying to produce. When you were younger, you were Ashamed of your sleepless-looking eyes, and would Hide them with Foundation, but now you really cannot imagine yourself Without Them. You used to suffer from Insomnia and while you are now able to sleep for a Reasonable Amount Of Time you still have permanent Dark Spots under your eyes. You are More Okay With This than you should be, and do not think they are Dark Enough. But you are a Rational Person and you realize that makeup is a better solution than Resorting To Sleeplessness. 


Your Ideal Person would be an Angry, and Gangly sort of person. You are not sure if Gangly is a word, but Dictionary.com informs you that it is, and Spell Check can keep their goddamn red-lines to themselves. You prefer someone with Dark Circles Under The Eyes because as you stated before, you find that Really Attractive. Of course he (or she- you are not closed minded) would be the kind of person to Hold Your Hand late at night and do Nothing More. He would be Grumpy and probably a bit Misanthropic. It would be nice if he enjoyed dumb-ass Romantic Comedies and was not Afraid To Cry at the end of a Particularly Sappy one. 


You hope that one day you can find your Ideal Person, and that he (or she) is someone you can be Comfortable around, and talk about your Feelings with, but you are sure that no such person Exists. You know that there really is not much point in hoping for such a Grumpy, Angry Boy with Dark Eyes, but you hope for such a person anyway because sometimes it is the Better Thing To Do.

=> Faint

So let us face the facts here. You are a total Tool. The kind of Tool who would use Facebook to rant about your shitty life, which really is not all that bad, all things considered. Today is no different. 


You decided, not 5 minutes ago, that you in all your Glory would inform the citizens of your Friend List (all 11 of them) that you now had a blog where you could freely rant about your "SHITTY ♠ CRUSH." 


Now this Shitty ♠ Crush is one you have been coming to terms with for a while. The object of your Black Affections is the former leader of your Dungeons and Douchebags group. You are not very assertive, and thus not good at saying "I would like to be the Goddamn Wizard" and are also not good at roleplaying melee type classes, which is what you always got booted to. So when the object of your Black Affections (henceforth referred to as The Object) was demoted from leader of the Dungeons and Douchebags Society, the new leader asked if you would Be Okay With Leaving.


Something you know very well is that you have Social Anxieties and that even going to a Dungeons and Douchebags meeting was a fucking chore for you, especially when you had frequent Panic Attacks before each one. Being that you are a Spineless Ninny you naturally say "Yeah I'm fine man, whatever" to the new Leader before having the Mother Of All Panic Attacks which is why you now s-s-stutter when you are Freaked The Fuck Out. Anyway, The Object is actually very sweet, and asks you if the New Leader has Exiled you yet, only much more sincerely and nicely and shit. Naturally, you Ignore him, and Delete Your Facebook because as you mentioned earlier, you are a Tool. Eventually, you accepted The Object's friend request because you are not a Total Douche, but you still ignored any inquiries into the whole Dungeons and Douchebags situation.


You quickly filled your wall with Cryptic Rants but you are pretty sure he did not get the intent behind Any Of Them. You would tell him directly how you feel, but you do not really want to hurt him because You Might Be A Little Flushed, but that is Not Really Important. Rationally, you know that The Object is undeserving of your Black Affections, but they are still there.


You have decided to Replicate the exchange below:

[RS]: I do not know why I did not start a blog sooner.   Finally, a place where I can rant about all my shitty problems without having to worry about bothering people. 

[RS]: FINALLY a place where I can rant about MY SHITTY ♠ CRUSH without having to worry about offending said asshat.

[TO]: If he's an asshat, why do you have a rush on him? 

[RS]: Hence the ♠.

[RS]: GOD MY BLOOD BOILS AT THE SIGHT OF HIM AND IT IS ALL MISPLACED RAGE AND AGGRESSION BUT I DO NOT CARE BECAUSE THIS IS IT.

[RS]: THIS IS ME ADMITTING MY SHITTY ♠ CRUSH.

[RS]: THERE IT WAS. DID YOU SEE THAT? GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IRONIC THIS SITUATION IS RIGHT NOW.

[TO]: Your "shity 'spade' crush"?

[RS]: Yeah pretty much. It's like a shitty ♥ crush only filled with hate-love which is best love and it makes me SO ANGRY it's great

[RS]: But the sad part is I can never admit it to said person. It would kill them, I think. BUT AT LEAST I CAN ADMIT IT TO MYSELF NOW. THAT'S FRIGGIN' PROGRESS IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. 

[RS]: Seriously, man. You have no idea how happy this is making me. Like seriously. TEARS OF ANGRY JOY, MAN. Seriously. 

You realize that the irony in that situation is that you were admitting your Shitty  ♠ Crush to your Shitty ♠ Crush. It is not lost on you.


It suddenly dawns on you that the comment "If he's an asshat, why do you have a [c]rush on him?" could indicate flushed feelings on his part (or at least pale ones) but you push that notion out of your head.

=> Write about Feelings

You are not so into Homestuck that you have a Trollsona or anything. You do not want to Be A Troll, in the literal sense, and you do not have any desire for God Like Powers at the cost of all you hold dear. Okay, maybe you hold a slight desire for God Like Powers, but you are not holding your breath on that one. You do not have a freaky Rainbow Blood fetish- you totally got over that one when you were fifteen, and you were not reading Homestuck then anyway so it had nothing to do with trolls, and let us be honest here- you really do not want the entire internet to know about the whole freaky Slender Man Squid thing so yeah. Even if Cerulean-Blooded Horrorterrors are so appealing. Were so appealing. Were.

Troll Romance just makes too much sense to you to not implement it in your life, though. To you, it has always felt right to like two people, one with a Softer Feeling in your heart, and another with a much Edgier one.

One of your Pale Quadrants is full, but the rest are empty. You have had a Moirallegiance with your good friend Sie-Sie (pronounced sea-eh sea-eh)for about Two Years now. She is best Moirail. Some days you swear to gog she is the only reason you are not Bat Shit Insane. You are not sure if she realizes how important she is to you, and how lucky you are to have someone willing to put up with All Your Shit. You do not whine or complain off-line too much, but often times you neglect to Socially Engage. She generally gives you the kick you need to keep going, even though you are a Really Shitty Moirail because you do not exactly Open Up Unprompted. Somehow you have managed to keep her Moirallegiance without Fucking Things Up so you figure you must be doing something right. 

=> Open Journal

Your name is Rayn Storm. It is not a subtle pun, but your parents were self-proclaimed Pungeon Masters. Masters of the art of all puns horrible. They have since Divorced, you assume because neither one of them could stand all the Goddamn Puns. You live with your Mother, Step-Father, and Infant Brother. 


Your hair is Auburn and you are of Average Height, but two to three pounds Overweight, which really does not make a difference in your overall appearance. You are pretty sure you are Female, but over the phone your voice leans towards that of a Pubescent Male, and your face is somewhat Androgynous. This lead to a few Awkward Years in middle school, but you have since grown into a Shy But Vaguely Pretty woman. At least, that is what you tell yourself, but your Self Confidence Meter has always been on the Low Side.


When you were Sixteen you started to read Homestuck at the recommendations of a School Friend. You enjoyed it way more than you should have. Especially the Troll Romance. The human idea of One True Love never made much sense to you; you like to think it is because no one is capable of Loving another person Entirely, but really it is because you are a Pessimist. 


After reading the Troll Romance Explanation, you thought back to your old, one-sided relationships and realized that you finally had a name to put on your hate-love affections. Most of your Unrequited Romantic Interests had been based on a strong, hate-based relationship. Usually you Loved Them because you Hated Them, and when they stopped hating you and began to return your Hate-Love with genuine Love your affections for them Ceased.


You are now Seventeen, though if you are being honest you turned seventeen Halfway Through your first reading of Homestuck. You have decided that the best thing for you to do is to try to Fill All The Quads because it seems like the best way to develop stable relationships. You always preferred the idea of having Two Emotional Partners, one to fill with all your loathe and hate and Dark Affections,  and one to fill with all your pity and love and Lighthearted Admiration.


Because you are a goddamned attention whore you decide to start an Internet Web Journal chronicling your Quest for love, apathy and loathing. 


And if nothing else, you figure this gives you a good place to rant about your Black Feelings for a Special Someone that is not facebook where he can read every Post you make and could easily Piece Together Your Feelings if he was not such a goddamn fuck wad.